Where We've Been & When We'll Be Back

Uh.... hi guys. Sabrina here. I've been meaning to write this post for weeks and weeks, but I've been a teensy bit apprehensive about a few things. 

First, the subject I'm about to address is personal and while I'm super open about it with individuals, it has been hard to make the decision to put it on the internet forever. So, please be cool and respectful regardless of your feelings about a fairly sensitive subject.

Second, I wish I'd just written it weeks ago and feel like a huge slacker with each passing day! One thing I've never been is a slacker. I'm actually a huge over-achiever, or 'was.' We shall see on that one.

So where the hell have I been?

It's complicated.

Initially, in early fall I was just busy with school and reading less. However, in mid-October I made a big decision about something I've been struggling with for 6 years. I decided to stop treating my anxiety disorder homeopathically and to speak with a doctor about my options for treatment.

So, long story short: I am an anxious person. I'm not ashamed about that even one little bit, but a few months ago I realized how much space I had made in my life for anxious thoughts and realized it was entirely too much. Basically, I'd gotten worse over time, very gradually and I didn't realize how bad it had gotten. So I scheduled an appointment and spent 20 minutes detailing how severe my 'worrying' had become. 

I told the doctor that I've worried my entire life, but in the past 6 years since my son was born, I also began to have panic attacks. I gave him some examples of the scenarios that play out in my mind when I worry, he stared at me speechless and stunned. 

You see, I had begun to worry, routinely, that my husband was dead if he was late getting home. I worried that my son had whatever sensationalized illness was currently on the news every time he coughed, or sneezed. I worried that my friends would stop caring for me, or that I would die and leave my son without a mother. 

Normal things that pass other people's minds stuck in mine for hours, unswayed by logic.

For example:

During one ice storm, I warned my husband not to park under a tree because the thing looked like it was going to fall over under the weight of the ice. That evening the tree indeed smashed his truck and my car. (Yes, I AM the Oracle). ;)

This was in February of 2011. Since then, I have spent many evenings terrified that the big tree hanging over our house would fall and kill us during bad storms. I have more than once considered waking up my husband and son to make them sleep in the unfinished basement. I'm serious. Don't worry I didn't do it.

Since I'm writing this now, you may have guessed that this has actually not happened. ;)

But, until recently it seemed very probable to me.

So, that day in the doctor's office ended with a prescription for meds (I'm going to be unspecific here, but email me if you'd like more info). I spent 2 hours on the phone that night with a good friend, freaking out about all of the possible side effects. I had anxiety about treating my anxiety.

I started taking them and within days I noticed that my chest literally felt quiet and still for the first time in forever. There had been such a constant buzz of anxiety in my body for so long, that I didn't notice its physical presence until it was gone. 

However, holy side-effects, I've never been so exhausted in my life. I still got out of bed, but it was a source of angst every morning. I came home from school and work and collapsed, literally, into bed still dressed and slept until minutes before I had to leave for the next responsibility. I wasn't anxious anymore, but I became this napping machine. I had been warned about the sleepiness, but told it would subside within a week or two. 

It didn't. It got better, but not much. So where have I been?

And I'm trying to be kind of funny about it, but it hasn't actually been funny. Ask my husband. 

Because when I'm sleeping I get super territorial about the sleeping and the not disturbing of the sleeping and nothing else matters.

Like school...

and grades....

and cleaning my house.....

and eating....

and hygiene....

and socializing....

and even reading.

Now, I should specify that I've still been living my life and that in most ways, things have improved. For example, there are a lot of things that I used to worry about that now seem super silly. The tree, for example. And I'm this peaceful, zen person who is rational about late husbands and sick kiddos. 

But my grades have been slipping. Friendships have suffered and I've basically become an entirely different person without 'my worry.' My motivation in many things stemmed from anxiety, or fear of consequences that weren't likely. Now that I'm not anxious, I've literally had to start rebuilding what motivates me from the ground up. 

This is an ongoing process. I'm still not sure where I'll end up.

So, bottom line... I'm feeling good, happy, peaceful. However, my final perspective on blogging is that it is a hobby that I want to enjoy rather than stress about. So, things are going to be different around here.

Moving forward, Samantha and I are on the same page about posting more sporadically. That means that starting in 2015 we'll be back to posting and reviewing, but it simply can't be our first priority for a variety of reasons including jobs, grades and most importantly loved ones. But we love you guys too, so we're going to try to make it work in this new, super-chill way. 

Samantha (who is the bestest, most amazing co-blogger ever, ever, EVER) also wanted to talk with you all really quick. ;)

Hi all! One of my favorite parts of blogging is that you're your own boss. If you NEED break, it's easy to give yourself one. Since college is not like that, and it's full of hide-under-the-covers-scary due dates, sometimes extended breaks are unavoidable. On my end, I've decided to graduate a semester early (December '15 woohoo!), which means my thesis also got bumped up a semester *cue crying-into-chocolate face over stress*. And, as much as I love my classes this semester, they have not been easy on the course load, with an extra emphasis on end of the semester papers and projects. Throw in some research on grad schools, work, internships, and family and friend shenanigans, and you have a calendar that's trying to make a 24-hour day stretch to 36. I've been trying to read as much as possible between everything with little luck, but sometimes life forces things to take a back seat so you can focus on driving.

The good news is that we will be back in January! And it mostly likely (but no promises) won't be completely dead on the blog until then. I'm determined to get my NetGalley percentage back up to the beautiful 80% it once was, so I will probably be posting a few random, highly sporadic reviews here and there. Do feel free to comment on any of those random reviews, and I will happily read them/try to comment back either there or on your blog (if you have one), but again, no promises. I can't wait to get back into these gorgeous books and blog my fingers off, but for now, have a wonderful and magical holiday season!!!
-Samantha-

We hope you'll stick it out with us and we can't wait to catch up with all of you after the holidays.

We Heart you awesome, bookish nerds!

P.S. I (Sabrina) would love to chat with any of you who may also be dealing with anxiety, or who may have questions. This includes concerned bookish friends (I miss you guys!) who want to say hi, strangers and everyone in between. Email me if this applies to you. Xo!